Friday, May 2, 2008


For most of us, looking back at ourselves in the past probably isn't an entirely pretty picture. If anyone says they were just perfect or behaved just right, then I hope your doctor continues to renew your "fantasy land" prescription, because reality isn't for you. I can say this with impunity because apparently, I've been living a tad in this fantasy land myself.

Now, I most certainly do not think of myself as perfect. I'm nowhere near it and have never tried to achieve it. My mistakes have come in expressing my opinions, mostly when they were not asked for. See, I like to read things and research things that interest me or that I'm just curious about. So, when a topic comes up that I've seen or read about and I hear incorrect or differing information, I have expressed myself in probably not so nice ways. As I look back on some things said or done, I am truly embarrassed and would like to move on, but alas, only Jesus will wash away your sins and forget about them. Friends and family, do not.

In the past couple of days, I was given a reminder about "back then" and it really hurt. I mean, I'm glad that I have hopefully matured in my Christian walk and have gotten past a lot of my "opinion expressing" but it really stings to have things brought back up. I took a "Breaking Free" (Beth Moore) class at a church not too long ago in which we discussed God's refining process of us. One of the things that has stuck with me is the "surfacing of the dross". Dross is all the impurities in the precious metals in the smelting pot. As the metal (gold, silver, etc.) is heated - put to the fire - TRIALS - the impurities will surface, you can see them and do away with them - or rather, ask God to do it. EVERY day is a trial of life and like I said, just having a reminder stung. It stung because I thought "back then" I was doing nothing malicious, anything I did was out of love for my friends and family, and I had the best intentions for all. To hear that someone had problems with me more or less shocked me. But it also made me realize that some of that "dross" must've been overlooked due to pride. You know the, "what? I don't have the problem, you must have it!" type of pride. Ouch.

Scott has told me not to worry about it, but he knows where I'm at, where I've come from, and what's in my heart. But I want to be refined so that others can just see it too, without me having to tell them. So, again, I've had a letting go of pride trial. Man, it is never ending, is it? But this is a fire I am glad to walk through...I am not alone here. Praise God!

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