Friday, February 6, 2009

Masks - UPDATE FEB 18th

*update Feb 18th at bottom
Blogs are good for keeping family and friends in touch with what's going on in your life, sharing a special skill with others in the blogging community, and sometimes to reach out for help or advice through therapeutic writing.

The latter is where I find myself today.

Do you ever find yourself in a rut, knowing what needs to be done, but no motivation to do it? For example, I know that to be healthier and to lose my inches, I need to exercise. But I seem to make excuses - good ones - for not doing it. I need to engage my children in more play activities, but I find myself getting involved in time consuming nonsense instead. I need to stay on top of our monthly bills and budget - and I do a pretty good job of that in that nothing is ever late - but I could do better in planning and budgeting. I am now doing menu planning, and I really enjoy cooking and preparing meals, so that is getting better. I have fabulous ideas in my head, but cannot seem to muster up the motivation to get them out.

Anyway, all of that and more to say I think I'm depressed. And I can say this because I recognize the pattern of it from my Mother who now, in her 70's realizes she battles depression. My sister and I look back at our lives and our Mom's behavior and it is clearly there. But it wasn't discussed back then. So she just dealt with it by wearing a mask of routine. Get up, fix breakfast, get the kids off to school, get ready, go to work, do the same thing every day, come home, fix supper, clean up, kids in bed, watch tv, go to bed. Every day. Weekends, were a little more stressful. The unpredictability of the weekend removed the weekday mask.

I love my Mom, but I don't want to live my life with this. I want to remove my mask.

Health wise, I feel good. I'm not sick. My family is rarely sick. And when someone is sick, it's not for long. We eat healthy foods. I need to remove my mask on eating too much, but it is healthy food...but too much none-the-less.

Now, before you instruct me to go pray, believe me, I DO. I have NO masks on there. And I have a faith like you wouldn't believe. I am strong and secure in my walk. Which is why I would be able to post something like this for potentially the whole world to see. Hey! Jonah and Moses both battled depression. I think they did a pretty good job of "communicating" with God, don't you?

So, it is strength and accountability that I think I need to pull this mask off for good. I need someone with which to work out (either for real or virtually) that won't flake out on me (I don't know that Scott is that good of a work out partner). I need someone to help me by just checking in on me every now and then. Let me know you are out there and care. I am horrible with feeling like a burden in other peoples lives since everyone else seems to be so busy and I'm at home...all day...with my children...the education of one in my hands...and the development of the other on my heart.

Anyone have any ideas??
thank you!

*UPDATE February 18th - My local friend Holly and I have gotten together to walk out our respective woes and get some exercise to boot! We meet every morning and walk 3 miles at a pretty good clip (between 45-48 minutes depending on hitches in our git-a-longs). Praise God and thank you to all who supported me in my transparency!!


B said...


You sweet, God-fearing, loving woman! I'm in so much awe of you right now that I can hardly stand it. You can add to your list of character traits - COURAGE. What you have done (by posting this) is the first step in many that you will take in this journey.

I am on a strict work-out schedule right now as I train for my next marathon in April. If you'd like for me to check in with you on the days that I work out (or whichever days you'd like some accountability), I'd be happy to do so. If I can give you any advice in this area, decide upon a realistic goal and start small. I believe Dr. Oz recommends adults getting in 10,000 steps a day (walking). Maybe that's a good start. (Of course, running around after Hayden may already put you way over his 10K goal.)

In any event, I'm here for you, and I will do whatever you need in order to help you continue to shine His light in our world.

All my love to you, friend!

Jodi said...

You know I am ALWAYS here to boost your moral... Been there, (chasing kids, taking care of the house, doing the wifely chores and "invisible" to the world), Still doing some of that....

I need the workouts and checking up on, too. So if we need to computer generate a schedule and then check on each other to compare results, I'm game.

WE CAN OVERCOME! At least we know the problem. And we aren't afraid of the stigma from the past of admitting we need help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Good grief it takes a very strong person to say, "HELP! THE KNOT IS COMING LOOSE AT THE END OF MY ROPE!"

Only an Idiot would try to hang on to the rope with one hand while trying to re-tie the knot with the other. Been there, tried to tie that, wouldn't suggest it. doesn't work. long drop. hurts to hit bottom. long climb back up.....

You are THE KINGS DAUGHTER! And everything that came from "Daddy" has withstood the test of time. No reason you won't do the same. You are AWESOME! You are STRONG! You are a CHAMPION! You are my PRECIOUS BABY SISTER....

I Love you,

Holly (me.) said...

Let's go for a walk. Or have a cup of coffee. Depression is no respecter of Faith. Love you.

Stacee said...

You're in my thoughts! I so can relate to how you are feeling, and it just does not feel good being "there" or "here" (however you want to look at it). I have also been trying to find ways to get me out of this "funk" (b/c that just sounds better than "depression" lol). I know one of the things I have really been working on (ok - thinking about, and working on the working on) is reinventing myself, finding me and learning what I do and don't enjoy. Like you, I have done a great job of centering my life around my children and family and have lost myself in the process. I know several other moms who are or have felt that same way, and I think it is so important that we support each other and continue to lift each other up! Thinking of you and your journey!

Amy @ Living Locurto said...

I know just how you feel! I think I hide my funk in my busyness. Mine is usually a weather thing because I like to workout outside playing sports, I hate the gym. I would love to workout with you, but I would probably flake out:-) I don't get motivated until spring time!

I will be sure to check in with you though. Anytime you want to get out of the house and see a movie or something just call. I'm always up for girl's night! Being home all the time depresses me. Not that I don't love my family, home or job, but I need to get out.