Confusion and Decisions

I'm so confused. And tired. You know that feeling you get when you feel like you are the only one in the world going through a particular thing, even though you know you're not, but you still feel like it? Yeah, I'm there. I've been there for a while, but I've just now begun to really break down what is going on.

I have a 7 year old home-schooled son, a 2 year old Princess daughter, and a mostly-work-from-home hubby.

If I manage to find or get invited to a play group with other 2 year olds, my 7 year old son has to tag along and even though he can have fun pretty much where ever he is, he doesn't care for 2 yr old playdates. And the parents of the younger ones don't always seem to be appreciate of his presence. So, Hadyn doesn't get much 2yr old time, Hunter doesn't get much 7yr old time, and no mommy bonding and time out for me in that aspect.

Then the home school activities that he can be around his age group require that I chase my 2 yr old around or is in the afternoon when Hadyn HAS to have naptime (makes a happy child and happy mommy), or is on a day of the week when Dad is off work and we want to spend time with him. So again, not much for Hunter, not much for Hadyn and not much for mommy.

Scott works from home a lot and battles with the guilt of wanting to spend more time with us (so he won't shut his office door) and wanting more space and quiet for his office. Obviously, with all four of us in the house all day nearly everyday, yeah, some stress will build. He wants to move to a bigger house. I don't think that is the answer because all of the above will still be in place.

So, decisions have to be made. We opted for home school due to Scott's work schedule at the time and the fact that he and Hunter never saw each other and it was showing in Hunter's attitude. That was the primary reason. That has changed now and Scott is home more in the afternoons and evenings. School time has been a beating lately with Hunter as he just doesn't want to do anything anymore. I've tried different times of the day - during the morning, but I have to battle with Hadyn needing attention, during the afternoon at her naptime, but Hunter shuts down mentally in the afternoon and just doesn't absorb anything, spreading it out, but then it's harder on all of us. Blah.

I'm just not the Birkinstock-Unschooling-Earth Mama that most of the home-school moms I'm around seem to be, so Hunter going back to public school is not an earth-shattering devastating event that it might be for others. I've also talked to a pre-school director friend about putting Hadyn in school a couple days a week.

Maybe just the space and quiet in the house will calm some things down around here...primarily me. I'd love to have the availability to be invited to do things without hearing "well, we knew you homeschooled so we didn't think you'd have time."

Time, I have. Space and quiet, I don't.

Decisions to make. Confusion over what is best and am I being selfish. Yeah, I'm tired.

That Dam Word

At dinner tonight, Hunter was talking about his NASCAR '09 video game and how instead of calling a pile up of cars a "pile-up", the video commentators will call it a "dam of cars." I could tell he was questioning the word a little bit and why it was on his game, so I re-explained what a dam is and how it works to block off a river and create a lake behind it, ergo, the front cars in the wreck would cause a dam and block off the run of other cars behind it and create a pile up.

"But," I warn, "be careful how and where you use that word, because someone else could think that you are using a 'bad' word."

To that Hunter answered, "Okay, Mom, I'll just use the good dam word."

Was it wrong for me to bust out laughing at the sound of that? I think not.

I'm Still Here.

No, I have not abandoned this blog in favor of the more fun HES2 Motorsports one. But everytime I think of something I could blog about here, I have to stop and tell myself that type of information is probably best kept to oneself or just between a friend or two - not potentially anyone with a computer.

Things are crabby around here. Hubby works at the church and one of the two "BIG" times of the year is upon us, so crab, crab, crab while preparing to lead others in worship. Yeah, I see how that works.

Anyway, that being said and the fact that I if I think about it, it is a rare occasion that I can have any time at all by myself without total chaos raining down on me once I reappear (thus not ever wanting to leave), I'll just wait until after the holiday and see how things go.

Until then, yeah, I'm still here. Breathing. Hanging on. Sigh.